Sonder:
n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk
Sonder, from the dictionary of obscure sorrows, is a feeling that reminds us that everyone is the main character in their own little story.
Sometimes it’s hard for us to believe that there are people out there just as complex and multifaceted as we are. It can be difficult to truly comprehend that there are people out there who are just as interesting, or more so than we are. But why is it so hard to see them?
I want you to think about the moments when you’ve been cut off on the road, where some stranger was rude to you, or when someone you love hurt your feelings. Because they happened to us, it feels so easy — almost natural — for us to make them about us. It can be so easy to think that the world revolves around us, and any human being that wrongs us is doing so to personally disadvantage us SPECIFICALLY.
It can be so easy to hear things through angry ears, and see things through angry eyes. But I want you to take in information and see people’s intent. We jump to too many conclusions when speaking to people while barely even listening to them. There’s this speech by David Foster Wallace. It’s called “This is Water.” It’s a speech I’ll discuss more in later blog posts and newsletters. But in it, he speaks about being conscious of what we think and feel. Our default setting is self-centeredness. Our default setting is to point at someone else and blame them for our discomfort in the current moment. Nuance isn’t sexy. And that’s unfortunate. It’s unfortunate that we rarely stop and think about what another person meant. It’s unfortunate that we don’t try and figure out their intent and instead settle on the most convenient narrative that turns us into some kind of victim. And yet, we are taken aback when people treat us like this.
“We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behaviour.”
— Stephen M.R. Covey, The Speed of Trust
The world doesn’t revolve around you. You have been wrong before and you will likely be wrong again, multiple times in fact. Give grace in the measure you’d like to receive it. See people. See others. See what they have done for you and see what you can do for them. Open your eyes and see others.
Pastor Matt Chandler of the Village Church said something that resonated with me in a sermon I heard many moons ago:
“If you will track your heart, and pay attention to your frustrations and agitations, they are almost always tied to thinking that life is all about you.”
Life is not all about you. And not realising this in the first place is causing you a lot of heartache. The world doesn’t revolve around you.
Now. This can either set you free or it can trap you even further. Some of us breathe a sigh of relief when we realise that the world and the people in it mainly have no personal stake in our endeavours, whether they be foolish or ambitious. And some of us get consumed with a feeling of dread because we no longer feel the attention we crave so much. Listen. It’s OKAY to want attention. It’s OKAY to want people to notice you. It’s OKAY to want to be loved, valued, appreciated, seen, and heard. The problem comes when you use outside validation as the cornerstone of your identity. It’s okay to want people to love you, I talk about this in the first Narrative Newsletter I sent out. It’s okay to want some kind of validation, whether it be from peers, parents, or partners. We’re human beings. We’re social creatures. It’s only natural to desire to be a part of something bigger than yourself. But when you lose your individuality you open yourself up to a whole host of heartaches. The World doesn’t revolve around you. Rest in this. Meditate on it. And when you realise that life isn’t all about you, you begin to see other people. People. Other people. This is the gift freely given to humanity. Other people.
Closing Thoughts
Make the conscious effort to see others through a more understanding lens. It’ll make you happier and your relationships stronger. Be kind to others. See them.
Vienna waits for you.
