Allowing Others to Change

There’s this young man I knew in my youth. When he was even younger he was quite the attention-seeking delinquent. He grew older and found his passion in music and sports. A few of you may even know him.

When he was in the middle of his high school career he moved schools to be able to pursue opportunities in sport as they were presented to him. But he didn’t just switch schools, he switched provinces as well. He left Limpopo and made his new home in Gauteng.

There he would do many amazing things for himself, his family and his school. In his grade 12 year he was even elected as the school’s Headboy! Or maybe he was just a regular prefect or some kind of student leadership. I don’t actually know. I heard it in passing one time, felt happy for him, and moved on with my life.

But every now and then I think about him. I think about how he behaved in school. I think about how he was perceived by his teachers, classmates, and by himself. All of us saw him as pretty much nothing but a class clown of some sort.

I want to say that maybe I’m oversimplifying his past persona but as far as I can recall this was how we saw him. Others may have seen him in a more optimistic light but nonetheless, none of us thought highly of him. And mind you, this wasn’t out of some disdain for him. We were all fond of him in some way, shape or form but none of us ever saw him as a leader. I can remember the surprise that swept over my face when my sister told me how good her old friend was doing, and I can only imagine the shock that crept through those that knew him more intimately.

But now I sit here typing this and I ask myself, ‘Why?’ What shocked us so much about him ascending to leadership? Why were we so surprised to hear about his great exploits in music, sports, and life? It reminds me of that Alan Turing quote:

Sometimes it is the people no one imagines anything of who do the things that no one can imagine

And sure, becoming a prefect or a Headboy isn’t some earth-shattering success but we didn’t even think he could become that.

My sister and I often joke that our school held him back. Apparently, that seems to be the case and right now this is my prevailing theory. Let me explain:

From this point forward I will be spouting half-boiled conjecture so make sure you don’t quote me in your PhD thesis down the line — unless you are a sadist who enjoys being mocked by your peer group!

Now. Let’s talk about marriage!

It turns out that the younger you get married the higher your chances of getting a divorce. Now, I could research this further and give you a more appropriate breakdown of why this is the case but I don’t really want to do that so I won’t. Instead, what I will do is give you my theory:

People change.

That’s it. The young woman you marry will grow, develop, and change, and as will you. But understand that this isn’t a bug, it’s a feature. Changing your mind about things is what makes humanity so cool! We change our opinions, ideas, values, and hobbies. We become different people! Especially as we age.

The problem, ironically enough, is that as much as humans themselves change they’re not particularly good at dealing with changes outside of them. And I think this is why relationships end. Your husband or wife becomes a new person and it’s hard to adjust to that. And yes, this will be a sweeping statement but I will make it nonetheless:

Relationships end when one or both parties no longer want to work on adjusting it. I say “adjusting” instead of “fixing” because change very rarely destroys your relationship. Change is an opportunity for your relationship to grow, and the inability to take that bull by the horns is what can make things difficult.

This takes me back to this young man I knew. He had it in him to become a different individual but because of where he was (in my school) he wasn’t given the freedom to step into a new identity. We knew him as a certain kind of person. We had all placed him in a box and decided this was going to be him for the rest of his life. Our minds were small. We had allowed ourselves to get used to who he was in such a way that we kept him from being who he could’ve been.

I know folks who leave high school and enter university calling themselves by a different name or moniker than they had in high school. People do this because university gives you a clean slate to be someone you were never allowed to be in high school.

Thinking about all of this reminds me of my own relationships. There are people that I’ve known since before puberty. I still love those people dearly but I’ve grown into a different person now while our relationship has largely remained the same, and it’s difficult to change the rules of a relationship once it's been intact for so long. It’s hard for me to relearn my old friends and get to know them all over again. Figuring out their new likes, dislikes, idiosyncrasies, values, and behaviors.

It’s hard to get to know someone you already thought you knew, which is why I want to leave you with this unsolicited advice:

Allow people to change. Allow people to become different people in your presence. Don’t hold too fast onto an idea of who they were before. Allow them to grow, to change, to become people you never thought they could be. And when they change, approach them with open arms ready to learn about who they are now.

Your childhood friends. People you’ve known for years, and even decades. Ask them about how they are different now and listen attentively. Ask yourself how you are different now and allow yourself to express that to people you love.

Relationships end when we refuse to relearn things you thought you knew about the person you loved — lover, friend, or family. Don’t get too familiar. Allow people to change and be happy for them when they do.

Vienna waits for you.

— C.N.M.